Yet what is more pleasant than that they do all things by rule and, as it were, a kind of mathematics, the least swerving from which were a crime beyond forgiveness—

Quid autem iucundius, quam quod omnia faciunt ex præscripto, quasi Mathematicis utentes rationibus, quas præterire piaculum sit.

as how many knots their shoes must be tied with, of what color everything is, what distinction of habits, of what stuff made, how many straws broad their girdles and of what fashion, how many bushels wide their cowl, how many fingers long their hair, and how many hours sleep;

Quot nodos habeat calceus, quo colore cingula, vestis quot discriminibus varieganda, qua materia, quotque culmis latum cingulum, qua specie, et quot modiorum capax cucullus, quot digitis latum capillitium, quot dormiendum horas.

which exact equality, how disproportionate it is, among such variety of bodies and tempers, who is there that does not perceive it?

Atque hæc quidem æqualitas in tanta corporum et ingeniorum varietate, quam sit inæqualis, quis non perspicit?

And yet by reason of these fooleries they not only set slight by others, but each different order, men otherwise professing apostolical charity, despise one another, and for the different wearing of a habit, or that ’tis of darker color, they put all things in combustion.

Et tamen his nugis, non alios modo per se nauci faciunt, verum invicem alii alios contemnunt, atque homines apostolicam caritatem professi, ob aliter cinctam vestem, ob colorem paulo fusciorem, omnia miris tragoediis miscent.

And among these there are some so rigidly religious that their upper garment is haircloth, their inner of the finest linen; and, on the contrary, others wear linen without and hair next their skins.

Ex his videas quosdam adeo rigide religiosos, ut summa veste, non nisi Cilicina utantur, intima Milesia, alios contra, qui superne linei sint, intime lanei.

Others, again, are as afraid to touch money as poison, and yet neither forbear wine nor dallying with women.

Rursum alios qui pecuniæ contactum ceu aconitum horreant, nec a vino interim, nec a mulierum contactu temperantes.

In a word, ’tis their only care that none of them come near one another in their manner of living,

Denique mirum omnibus studium, ne quid in ratione vitæ conveniat.

nor do they endeavor how they may be like Christ, but how they may differ among themselves.

Nec illud studio est, ut Christo similes sint, sed ut interse dissimiles.

And another great happiness they conceive in their names, while they call themselves Cordiliers, and among these too, some are Colletes, some Minors, some Minims, some Crossed;

Porro magna felicitatis pars est in cognomentis, dum hi Funigeros appellari se gaudent, et inter hos, alii Coletas, alii Minores, alii Minimos, alii Bullistas.

and again, these are Benedictines, those Bernardines; these Carmelites, those Augustines; these Williamites, and those Jacobines; as if it were not worth the while to be called Christians.

Rursum hi Benedictinos, illi Bernardinos: hi Brigidenses, illi Augustinenses: hi Guilhelmitas, illi Iacobitas, quasi vero parum sit, dici Christianos.

And of these, a great part build so much on their ceremonies and petty traditions of men that they think one heaven is too poor a reward for so great merit, little dreaming that the time will come when Christ, not regarding any of these trifles, will call them to account for His precept of charity.

Horum magna pars in tantum suis nititur cerimoniis, et hominum traditiunculis, ut putet unum coelum parum dignum esse tantis præmium, haud cogitantes futurum, ut Christus contemtis his omnibus, suum illud sit exacturus præceptum, nempe caritatis.

One shall show you a large trough full of all kinds of fish;

Alius ostentabit aqualiculum, omni piscium genere distentum.

another tumble you out so many bushels of prayers;

Alius Psalmorum centum effundet modios.

another reckon you so many myriads of fasts, and fetch them up again in one dinner by eating till he cracks again;

Alius ieiuniorum myriadas adnumerabit, et toties unico prandio pene disruptam imputabit alvum.

another produces more bundles of ceremonies than seven of the stoutest ships would be able to carry;

Alius tantum cerimoniarum acervum proferet, quantum vix septem onerariis navibus vehi possit.

another brags he has not touched a penny these three score years without two pair of gloves at least upon his hands;

Alius gloriabitur sexaginta annos numquam attactam pecuniam, nisi digitis duplici chirotheca munitis.

another wears a cowl so lined with grease that the poorest tarpaulin would not stoop to take it up;

Alius cucullam ingeret adeo sordidam et crassam, ut nullus nauta suo dignetur corpore.

another will tell you he has lived these fifty-five years like a sponge, continually fastened to the same place; another is grown hoarse with his daily chanting; another has contracted a lethargy by his solitary living; and another the palsy in his tongue for want of speaking.

Commemorabit alius se plus quam undecim lustris spongiæ vitam egisse, semper eidem affixum loco: Alius raucam assiduo cantu vocem adducet: Alius lethargum solitudine contractum: alius linguam iugi silentio torpentem.

But Christ, interrupting them in their vanities, which otherwise were endless, will ask them, “Whence this new kind of Jews?

At Christus interpellatis, numquam alioqui finiendis gloriis, undenam hoc, inquiet, novum Iudæorum genus?

I acknowledge one commandment, which is truly mine, of which alone I hear nothing.

Unicam ego legem vere meam agnosco, de qua sola nihil audio.

I promised, ’tis true, my Father’s heritage, and that without parables, not to cowls, odd prayers, and fastings, but to the duties of faith and charity.

Et olim palam nulloque parabolarum utens involucro, paternam hæreditatem pollicitus sum, non cucullis, preculis, aut inediis, sed caritatis officiis.

Nor can I acknowledge them that least acknowledge their faults. They that would seem holier than myself, let them if they like possess to themselves those three hundred sixty-five heavens of Basilides the heretic’s invention, or command them whose foolish traditions they have preferred before my precepts to erect them a new one.

Nec eos agnosco, qui sua facta nimis agnoscunt, isti qui me quoque sanctiores videri volunt, Abraxasiorum coelos, si libet, occupent, aut ab his sibi novum exstrui coelum iubeant, quorum traditiunculas meis præceptis anteposuerunt.

“When they shall hear these things and see common ordinary persons preferred before them, with what countenance, think you, will they behold one another?

Cum hæc audient, et videbunt nautas et aurigas sibi præferri, quibus, putatis, vultibus sese mutuo contuebuntur?

In the meantime they are happy in their hopes, and for this also they are beholding to me.

Sed interim spe sua felices sunt, non absque meo beneficio.

And yet these kind of people, though they are as it were of another commonwealth, no man dares despise, especially those begging friars, because they are privy to all men’s secrets by means of confessions, as they call them.

Atque hos quidem, quamquam a republica semotos, nemo tamen audet contemnere, præcipue mendicantes, propterea quod omnia omnium arcana teneant, ex confessionibus, quas vocant.

Which yet were no less than treason to discover, unless, being got drunk, they have a mind to be pleasant, and then all comes out, that is to say by hints and conjectures but suppressing the names.

Quæ tamen prodere nefas habent, nisi si quando poti, fabulis amoenioribus delectare se volunt, sed coniecturis modo rem indicant, tacitis interim nominibus.

But if anyone should anger these wasps, they’ll sufficiently revenge themselves in their public sermons and so point out their enemy by circumlocutions that there’s no one but understands whom ’tis they mean, unless he understand nothing at all;

Quod si quis hos crabrones irritarit, tum in popularibus concionibus probe ulciscuntur sese, et obliquis dictis hostem notant, adeo tecte, ut nemo non intelligat, nisi qui nihil intelligit.

nor will they give over their barking till you throw the dogs a bone.

Nec prius oblatrandi finem faciunt, quam in os offam obieceris.

And now tell me, what juggler or mountebank you had rather behold than hear them rhetorically play the fool in their preachments, and yet most sweetly imitating what rhetoricians have written touching the art of good speaking?

Age vero quem tu mihi comoedum, quem circulatorem spectare malis, quam istos in concionibus suis rhetoricantes omnino ridicule, sed tamen suavissime imitantes ea quæ rhetores de dicendi ratione tradiderunt?

Good God! what several postures they have! How they shift their voice, sing out their words, skip up and down, and are ever and anon making such new faces that they confound all things with noise! And yet this knack of theirs is no less a mystery that runs in succession from one brother to another;

Deum immortalem! ut gesticulantur, ut apte commutant vocem, ut cantillant, ut iactant sese, ut subinde alios vultus induunt, ut omnia clamoribus miscent.

which though it be not lawful for me to know, however I’ll venture at it by conjectures. And first they invoke whatever they have scraped from the poets;

Atque hanc orandi artem ceu rem arcanam fraterculus fraterculo, per manus tradit: eam tametsi mihi non est fas scire, tamen utcumque coniecturis sequar.

and in the next place, if they are to discourse of charity, they take their rise from the river Nilus; or to set out the mystery of the cross, from bell and the dragon; or to dispute of fasting, from the twelve signs of the zodiac; or, being to preach of faith, ground their matter on the square of a circle.

Primo loco invocant, id quod a poetis mutuo sumserunt: deinde dicturi de caritate, a Nilo Aegypti fluvio sumunt exordium, aut crucis mysterium enarraturi, a Babylonio dracone Bel feliciter auspicantur: aut de ieiunio disputaturi, a duodecim zodiaci signis principium faciunt, aut de fide verba facturi, diu de quadratura circuli præloquuntur.

I have heard myself one, and he no small fool—I was mistaken, I would have said scholar—that being in a famous assembly explaining the mystery of the Trinity, that he might both let them see his learning was not ordinary and withal satisfy some theological ears, he took a new way, to wit from the letters, syllables, and the word itself; then from the coherence of the nominative case and the verb, and the adjective and substantive: and while most of the audience wondered, and some of them muttered that of Horace, “What does all this trumpery drive at?”

Audivi ipsa quemdam eximie stultum, erravi, doctum volebam dicere, qui in concione celeberrima, divinæ Triadis mysterium explicaturus, quo et doctrinam suam non vulgarem ostentaret, et Theologicis satisfaceret auribus, nova prorsus ingressus est via, nimirum a litteris, syllabis, et oratione, tum a concordia nominis et verbi, adiectivi nominis et substantivi, mirantibus iam plerisque, ac nonnullis Horatianum illud apud se mussitantibus: ‘Quorsum hæc tam putida tendunt?’

at last he brought the matter to this head, that he would demonstrate that the mystery of the Trinity was so clearly expressed in the very rudiments of grammar that the best mathematician could not chalk it out more plainly.

Tandem huc rem deduxit, ut in Grammaticorum rudimentis sic expressum ostenderet totius Triadis simulacrum, ut nemo Mathematicorum in pulvere posset evidentius depingere.

And in this discourse did this most superlative theologian beat his brains for eight whole months that at this hour he’s as blind as a beetle, to wit, all the sight of his eyes being run into the sharpness of his wit.

Atque in hac oratione theologôtatos ille totos octo menses ita desudarat, ut hodie quoque magis cæcutiat quam talpæ, nimirum, tota luminum acie ad ingenii cuspidem avocata.

But for all that he thinks nothing of his blindness, rather taking the same for too cheap a price of such a glory as he won thereby.

Verum haud poenitet hominem cæcitatis, ac parvo quoque putat emptam eam gloriam.

And besides him I met with another, some eighty years of age, and such a divine that you’d have sworn Scotus himself was revived in him.

Auditus est a nobis alius quidam octogenarius, adeo Theologus, ut in hoc Scotum ipsum renatum putes.

He, being upon the point of unfolding the mystery of the name Jesus, did with wonderful subtlety demonstrate that there lay hidden in those letters whatever could be said of him;

Is explicaturus mysterium nominis Iesu, mira subtilitate demonstravit in ipsis litteris latere, quidquid de illo dici possit.

for that it was only declined with three cases, he said, it was a manifest token of the Divine Trinity;

Etenim quod tribus dumtaxat inflectitur casibus, id manifestum esse simulacrum divini ternionis.

and then, that the first ended in S, the second in M, the third in U, there was in it an ineffable mystery, to wit, those three letters declaring to us that he was the beginning, middle, and end (summum, medium, et ultimum) of all.

Deinde quod prima vox Iesus, desinat in s, secunda Iesum in m, tertia Iesu in u, in hoc arrêton subesse mysterium: nempe tribus litterulis indicantibus eum esse summum, medium, et ultimum.

Nay, the mystery was yet more abstruse; for he so mathematically split the word Jesus into two equal parts that he left the middle letter by itself, and then told us that that letter in Hebrew was schin or sin, and that sin in the Scotch tongue, as he remembered, signified as much as sin;

Restabat mysterium his quoque retrusius, Mathematica ratione. Iesus sic in duas æquales diffidit portiones, ut scilicet pentemimeres in medio resideret.

from whence he gathered that it was Jesus that took away the sins of the world.

Deinde docuit eam litteram apud Hebræos esse quam illi Syn appellent: porro syn Scotorum, opinor, lingua, peccatum sonat: atque hinc palam declarari, Iesum esse qui peccata tolleret mundi.

At which new exposition the audience were so wonderfully intent and struck with admiration, especially the theologians, that there wanted little but that Niobe-like they had been turned to stones; whereas the like had almost happened to me, as befell the Priapus in Horace.

Hoc tam novum exordium sic inhiantes admirati sunt omnes, præcipue Theologi, ut parum abfuerit, quin illis acciderit, quod olim Niobæ, cum mihi propemodum evenerit, quod ficulno illi Priapo, qui magno suo malo, Canidiæ Saganæque nocturna sacra spectavit.

And not without cause, for when were the Grecian Demosthenes or Roman Cicero ever guilty of the like?

Nec iniuria profecto: nam quando similem ephodon, commentus est Demosthenes ille graius, aut Cicero Latinus?

They thought that introduction faulty that was wide of the matter, as if it were not the way of carters and swineherds that have no more wit than God sent them.

Illis vitiosum habebatur proemium, quod a re foret alienius: quasi vero non ad istum modum exordiantur et subulci, natura videlicet magistra.

But these learned men think their preamble, for so they call it, then chiefly rhetorical when it has least coherence with the rest of the argument, that the admiring audience may in the meanwhile whisper to themselves, “What will he be at now?”

At hi docti præambulum suum, sic enim vocant, ita demum eximie Rhetoricum fore ducunt, si nusquam quidquam habeat cum reliquo argumento confine, ut auditor interim admirans, illud secum murmuret, quo nunc se proripit ille?

In the third place, they bring in instead of narration some texts of Scripture, but handle them cursorily, and as it were by the bye, when yet it is the only thing they should have insisted on.

Tertio loco ceu narrationis vice nonnihil ex Euangelio, sed cursim ac velut obiter interpretantur, cum id solum fuerit agendum.

And fourthly, as it were changing a part in the play, they bolt out with some question in divinity, and many times relating neither to earth nor heaven, and this they look upon as a piece of art.

Quarto loco iam nova sumpta persona, quæstionem movent theologalem, aliquoties oute gês, oute ouranou haptomenên, atque id quoque ad artem arbitrantur pertinere.

Here they erect their theological crests and beat into the people’s ears those magnificent titles of illustrious doctors, subtle doctors, most subtle doctors, seraphic doctors, cherubin doctors, holy doctors, unquestionable doctors, and the like;

Hic demum Theologicum attollunt supercilium, Doctores solennes, Doctores subtiles, Doctores subtilissimos, Doctores seraphicos, Doctores sanctos, Doctores irrefragabiles, magnifica nomina auribus inculcantes.

and then throw abroad among the ignorant people syllogisms, majors, minors, conclusions, corollaries, suppositions, and those so weak and foolish that they are below pedantry.

Tum syllogismos maiores, minores, conclusiones, corollaria, suppositiones frigidissimas ac plus quam scholasticas nugas apud imperitum vulgus iactitant.

There remains yet the fifth act in which one would think they should show their mastery.

Superest iam quintus actus, in quo summum artificem præstare convenit.

And here they bring in some foolish insipid fable out of _Speculum Historiale_ or _Gesta Romanorum_ and expound it allegorically, tropologically, and anagogically.

Hic mihi stultam aliquam et indoctam fabulam, ex speculo, opinor, historiali, aut gestis Romanorum in medium adferunt, et eamdem interpretantur allegorice, tropologice, et anagogice.

And after this manner do they and their chimera, and such as Horace despaired of compassing when he wrote “Humano capiti,” etc.

Atque ad hunc quidem modum Chimæram suam absolvunt, qualem nec Horatius umquam adsequi potuit cum scriberet: ‘Humano capiti’ etc.

But they have heard from somebody, I know not whom, that the beginning of a speech should be sober and grave and least given to noise.

Sed audierunt a nescio, quibus, ingressum orationis sedatum, minimeque clamosum esse oportere.

And therefore they begin theirs at that rate they can scarce hear themselves, as if it were not matter whether anyone understood them.

Itaque principio sic exordiuntur, ut nec ipsi vocem propriam exaudiant, quasi referat dici, quod nullus intelligat.

They have learned somewhere that to move the affections a louder voice is requisite.

Audierunt nonnumquam ad concitandos adfectus, exclamationibus utendem esse.

Whereupon they that otherwise would speak like a mouse in a cheese start out of a sudden into a downright fury, even there too, where there’s the least need of it.

Proinde presse alioqui loquentes, subinde repente vocem tollunt furioso plane clamore, etiam cum nihil opus.

A man would swear they were past the power of hellebore, so little do they consider where ’tis they run out.

Iures elleboro homini opus esse, perinde quasi nihil referat, ut clames.

Again, because they have heard that as a speech comes up to something, a man should press it more earnestly, they, however they begin, use a strange contention of voice in every part, though the matter itself be never so flat, and end in that manner as if they’d run themselves out of breath.

Præterea quoniam audierunt oportere sermonem in progressu fervescere, in singulis partibus principiis utcumque sane recitatis, mox mira vocis contentione utuntur, etiam si res sit frigidissima, atque ita denique desinunt, ut spiritu defectos credas.

Lastly, they have learned that among rhetoricians there is some mention of laughter, and therefore they study to prick in a jest here and there; but, O Venus! so void of wit and so little to the purpose that it may be truly called an ass’s playing on the harp.

Postremo didicerunt, apud rhetores de risu fieri mentionem, eoque student et ipsi iocos quosdam adspergere, ê philê Aphroditê, quam plenos gratiarum, quamque in loco, ut plane onon pros tên luran esse dicas. Mordent quoque nonnumquam, sed ita, ut titillent magis quam vulnerent.

And sometimes also they use somewhat of a sting, but so nevertheless that they rather tickle than wound; nor do they ever more truly flatter than when they would seem to use the greatest freedom of speech.

Nec umquam verius adulantur, quam cum maxime parrêsiazesthai videri student.

Lastly, such is their whole action that a man would swear they had learned it from our common tumblers, though yet they come short of them in every respect.

Denique tota actio est eiusmodi, ut iures eos a fori circulatoribus didicisse a quibus longe vincuntur.

However, they are both so like that no man will dispute but that either these learned their rhetoric from them, or they theirs from these.

Quamquam utrique alteris usque adeo sunt similes, ut nemo dubitet, quin aut hi ab illis, aut illi ab his rhetoricen suam didicerint.

And yet they light on some that, when they hear them, conceive they hear very Demosthenes and Ciceroes:

Et tamen inveniunt hi quoque, mea nimirum opera, qui cum hos audiunt, Demosthenes meros, ac Cicerones audire se putant.

of which sort chiefly are our merchants and women, whose ears only they endeavor to please, because as to the first, if they stroke them handsomely, some part or other of their ill-gotten goods is wont to fall to their share. And the women, though for many other things they favor this order, this is not the least, that they commit to their breasts whatever discontents they have against their husbands.

Quod genus sunt præcipue mercatores ac mulierculæ: quorum auribus unice placere student, quod illi nonnullam prædæ portiunculam de rebus male partis soleant impertiri, si commode fuerint palpati. Illæ cum aliis multis de causis huic ordini favent, tum præcipue, quod in horum sinus soleant effundere, si quid in maritos stomachantur.

And now, I conceive me, you see how much this kind of people are beholding to me, that with their petty ceremonies, ridiculous trifles, and noise exercise a kind of tyranny among mankind, believing themselves very Pauls and Anthonies.

Videtis, opinor, quantopere mihi debeat hoc hominum genus, cum cerimoniolis, et nugis deridiculis, clamoribusque tyrannidem quamdam inter mortales exerceant, et Paulos atque Antonios sese credant.

LV

LV

But I willingly give over these stage-players that are such ingrateful dissemblers of the courtesies I have done them and such impudent pretenders to religion which they haven’t. And now I have a mind to give some small touches of princes and courts, of whom I am had in reverence, aboveboard and, as it becomes gentlemen, frankly.

Verum ego istos histriones tam ingratos beneficiorum meorum dissimulatores, quam improbos simulatores pietatis libenter relinquo. Iamdudum enim iuvat de regibus ac principibus aulicis a quibus simplicissime color, et, ut dignum est, ingenuis, ingenue nonnihil attingere.

And truly, if they had the least proportion of sound judgment, what life were more unpleasant than theirs, or so much to be avoided?

Qui quidem si vel semiunciam sani cordis haberent, quid esset horum vita tristius aut æque fugiendum?

For whoever did but truly weigh with himself how great a burden lies upon his shoulders that would truly discharge the duty of a prince, he would not think it worth his while to make his way to a crown by perjury and parricide.

Neque enim existimabit vel periurio parricidioque parandum imperium, quisquis secum perpenderit, quam ingens onus sustineat humeris, qui vere principem agere velit.

He would consider that he that takes a scepter in his hand should manage the public, not his private, interest; study nothing but the common good; and not in the least go contrary to those laws whereof himself is both the author and exactor: that he is to take an account of the good or evil administration of all his magistrates and subordinate officers; that, though he is but one, all men’s eyes are upon him, and in his power it is, either like a good planet to give life and safety to mankind by his harmless influence, or like a fatal comet to send mischief and destruction;

Eum quirerum gubernacula susceperit, publicum non privatum negotium gerere, nihil nisi de commodis publicis oportere cogitare: a legibus, quarum ipse et auctor et exactor est, nec latum digitum discedere: officialium omnium et magistratuum integritatem sibi præstandam esse: sese esse unum omnium oculis expositum, qui vel ceu sidus salutare, morum innocentia, maximam rebus humanis salutem possit adferre, vel veluti cometa lethalis summam perniciem invehere.

that the vices of other men are not alike felt, nor so generally communicated; and that a prince stands in that place that his least deviation from the rule of honesty and honor reaches farther than himself and opens a gap to many men’s ruin.

Aliorum vitia neque perinde sentiri, neque tam late manare. Principem eo loco esse, ut si quid vel leviter ab honesto deflexerit, gravis protinus ad quamplurimos homines vitæ pestis serpat.

Besides, that the fortune of princes has many things attending it that are but too apt to train them out of the way, as pleasure, liberty, flattery, excess; for which cause he should the more diligently endeavor and set a watch over himself, lest perhaps he be led aside and fail in his duty.

Tum quod multa secum adferat principum fortuna, quæ soleant a recto deducere, quod genus, delitiæ, libertas, adulatio, luxus, hoc acrius enitendum ac sollicitius advigilandum, necubi vel deceptus cesset in officio.

Lastly, to say nothing of treasons, ill will, and such other mischiefs he’s in jeopardy of, that that True King is over his head, who in a short time will call him to account for every the least trespass, and that so much the more severely by how much more mighty was the empire committed to his charge.

Postremo, ut insidias, odia, cæteraque vel pericula, vel metus omittam capiti imminere verum illum regem, qui paulo post ab eo sit etiam de minimo quoque commisso rationem exacturus, idque tanto severius, quanto præstantius gessit imperium.

These and the like if a prince should duly weigh, and weigh it he would if he were wise, he would neither be able to sleep nor take any hearty repast.

Hæc, inquam, atque huiusmodi plurima, si princeps secum perpenderet, perpenderet autem si saperet, is nec somnum, nec cibum, opinor, iucunde capere posset.

But now by my courtesy they leave all this care to the gods and are only taken up with themselves, not admitting anyone to their ear but such as know how to speak pleasant things and not trouble them with business.

At nunc, meo munere, has omneis curas Diis permittunt, ipsi sese molliter curant, neque quemquam ad aurem admittunt, nisi qui iucunda loqui norit, ne quid animo sollicitudinis oboriatur.

They believe they have discharged all the duty of a prince if they hunt every day, keep a stable of fine horses, sell dignities and commanderies, and invent new ways of draining the citizens’ purses and bringing it into their own exchequer;

Se probe principis partes omneis implesse credunt, si venentur assidue, si bellos alant caballos, si suo commodo vendiderint magistratus ac præfecturas, si quotidie novæ rationes excogitentur, quibus civium opes attenuent et in suum converrant fiscum.

but under such dainty new-found names that though the thing be most unjust in itself, it carries yet some face of equity;

Verum id apposite, repertis titulis, ut etiam si sit iniquissimum, aliquam tamen æquitatis speciem præ se ferat.

adding to this some little sweet’nings that whatever happens, they may be secure of the common people.

Addunt data opera nonnihil adulationis, quo populares animos, utcumque sibi devinciant.

And now suppose someone, such as they sometimes are, a man ignorant of laws, little less than an enemy to the public good, and minding nothing but his own, given up to pleasure, a hater of learning, liberty, and justice, studying nothing less than the public safety, but measuring everything by his own will and profit;

Fingite mihi nunc quales sunt nonnumquam, hominem legum ignarum, publicorum commodorum pene hostem, privatis intentum commoditatibus, addictum voluptatibus, osorem eruditionis, osorem libertatis ac veri, nihil minus quam de reipublicæ salute cogitantem, sed omnia sua libidine, suisque utilitatibus metientem.

and then put on him a golden chain that declares the accord of all virtues linked one to another; a crown set with diamonds, that should put him in mind how he ought to excel all others in heroic virtues; besides a scepter, the emblem of justice and an untainted heart; and lastly, a purple robe, a badge of that charity he owes the commonwealth.

Deinde addite huic torquem auream, omnium virtutum cohærentium consensum indicantem, tum coronam gemmis insignitam, quæ quidem admoneat eum heroicis omnibus virtutibus oportere cæteris antecellere. Præterea sceptrum, iustitiæ et undecumque incorrupti pectoris symbolum. Postremo purpuram eximiæ cuiusdam in rempublicam caritatis indicium.

All which if a prince should compare them with his own life, he would, I believe, be clearly ashamed of his bravery, and be afraid lest some or other gibing expounder turn all this tragical furniture into a ridiculous laughingstock.

Hæc gestamina si princeps cum sua vita conferret, equidem futurum arbitror, ut plane pudescat ornatus sui, vereaturque ne quis nasutus interpres, totum hunc tragicum cultum, in risum, iocumque vertat.

LVI

LVI

And as to the court lords, what should I mention them? than most of whom though there be nothing more indebted, more servile, more witless, more contemptible, yet they would seem as they were the most excellent of all others.

Iam quid de proceribus aulicis commemorem? quorum plerisque cum nihil sit addictius, servilius, insulsius, abiectius, tamen omnium rerum primos sese videri volunt.

And yet in this only thing no men more modest, in that they are contented to wear about them gold, jewels, purple, and those other marks of virtue and wisdom;

Hac una in re tamen modestissimi, quod contenti, aurum, gemmas, purpuram, reliquaque virtutum ac sapientiæ insignia corpore circumferre, rerum ipsarum studium omne concedunt aliis.

but for the study of the things themselves, they remit it to others, thinking it happiness enough for them that they can call the king master, have learned the cringe a la mode, know when and where to use those titles of Your Grace, My Lord, Your Magnificence;

Hoc abunde felices sibi videntur, quod regem herum vocare liceat, quod tribus verbis salutare didicerint, quod norint civiles titulos subinde inculcare, serenitatem, dominationem, et magnificentiam.

in a word that they are past all shame and can flatter pleasantly.

Quod egregie perfricuerint faciem, quod festiviter adulentur.

For these are the arts that speak a man truly noble and an exact courtier.

Nam hæ sunt artes, quæ vere nobilem et aulicum deceant.

But if you look into their manner of life you’ll find them mere sots, as debauched as Penelope’s wooers; you know the other part of the verse, which the echo will better tell you than I can.

Cæterum si vitæ rationem omnem propius inspicias, nimirum meros Phæacas invenies, sponsos Penelopes, reliquum carmen agnoscitis, quod Echo vobis melius referet quam ego.

They sleep till noon and have their mercenary Levite come to their bedside, where he chops over his matins before they are half up.

Dormitur in medios dies, ibi Sacrificulus mercenarius ad lectum paratus, qui propemodum cubantibus adhuc sacrum expedite peragat.

Then to breakfast, which is scarce done but dinner stays for them.

Mox ad ientaculum, quo vix peracto, iam interpellat prandium.

From thence they go to dice, tables, cards, or entertain themselves with jesters, fools, gambols, and horse tricks.

Sub id alea, laterunculi, sortes, scurræ, moriones, scorta, lusus, inficetiæ.

In the meantime they have one or two beverages,

Interim una aut altera merenda.

and then supper, and after that a banquet, and ’twere well, by Jupiter, there were no more than one.

Rursum coena, post hanc repotia, non una per Iovem.

And in this manner do their hours, days, months, years, age slide away without the least irksomeness.

Atque ad hunc modum, citra ullum vitæ tædium elabuntur horæ, dies, menses, anni, sæcula.

Nay, I have sometimes gone away many inches fatter, to see them speak big words; while each of the ladies believes herself so much nearer to the gods by how much the longer train she trails after her; while one nobleman edges out another, that he may get the nearer to Jupiter himself; and everyone of them pleases himself the more by how much more massive is the chain he swags on his shoulders, as if he meant to show his strength as well as his wealth.

Ipsa nonnumquam saginatior abeo, si quando viderim illos megalorrvntas, dum inter Nymphas unaquæque hoc sibi videtur Diis propior, quo caudam longiorem trahit, dum procerum alius alium cubito protrudit, quo Iovi vicinior esse videatur, dum sibi quisque hoc magis placet, quo graviorem catenam collo baiulat, ut robur etiam, non opes tantum ostentent.

LVII

LVII

Nor are princes by themselves in their manner of life, since popes, cardinals, and bishops have so diligently followed their steps that they’ve almost got the start of them.

Ac principum quidem institutum, Summi Pontifices, Cardinales, et Episcopi, iam pridem gnaviter æmulantur, ac prope superant.

For if any of them would consider what their Albe should put them in mind of, to wit a blameless life;

Porro si quis perpendat, quid linea vestis admoneat, niveo candore insignis, nempe vitam undiquaque inculpatam.

what is meant by their forked miters, whose each point is held in by the same knot, we’ll suppose it a perfect knowledge of the Old and New Testaments;

Quid sibi velit mitra bicornis, utrumque fastigium eodem cohibente nodo, puta Novi pariter et Veteris Instrumenti absolutam scientiam.