and that wise man, who, being got loose from them, sees things truly as they are?

et sapientem illum qui specum egressus, veras res adspicit?

Whereas that cobbler in Lucian if he might always have continued his golden dreams, he would never have desired any other happiness.

Quod si Mycillo Lucianico dives illud et aureum somnium perpetuo somniare licuisset, nihil erat cur aliam optaret felicitatem.

So then there is no difference; or, if there be, the fools have the advantage:

Aut nihil igitur interest, aut si quid interest, potior etiam stultorum conditio.

first, in that their happiness costs them least, that is to say, only some small persuasion; next, that they enjoy it in common.

Primum quod iis sua felicitas minimo constat, id est, sola persuasiuncula . Deinde, quod ea fruuntur cum plurimis communiter.

XLVI

XLVI

And the possession of no good can be delightful without a companion.

Porro nullius boni iucunda sine socio possessio.

For who does not know what a dearth there is of wise men, if yet any one be to be found?

Quis enim nescit quanta sapientum paucitas, si modo quisquam inveniatur?

And though the Greeks for these so many ages have accounted upon seven only, yet so help me Hercules, do but examine them narrowly, and I’ll be hanged if you find one half-witted fellow, nay or so much as one-quarter of a wise man, among them all.

quamquam ex tot sæculis Græci septem omnino numerant, quos mehercle, si quis accuratius excutiat, dispeream, si vel semisapientem inveniet, imo si vel trientem viri sapientis.

For whereas among the many praises of Bacchus they reckon this the chief, that he washes away cares, and that too in an instant, do but sleep off his weak spirits, and they come on again, as we say, on horseback. But how much larger and more present is the benefit you receive by me, since, as it were with a perpetual drunkenness I fill your minds with mirth, fancies, and jollities, and that too without any trouble?

Proinde cum inter multas Bacchi laudes, illud habeatur, ut est primarium, quod animi curas eluat, idque ad exiguum modo tempus, nam simulatque villum edormieris, protinus albis, ut aiunt, quadrigis recurrunt animi molestiæ: quanto meum beneficium cum plenius, tum præsentius, quæ perpetua quadam ebrietate, mentem gaudiis, delitiis, tripudiis, expleo, idque nullo negotio?

Nor is there any man living whom I let be without it; whereas the gifts of the gods are scrambled, some to one and some to another.

Neque quemquam omnino mortalem mei muneris expertem esse sino, cum reliquæ numinum dotes aliæ ad alios perveniant.

The sprightly delicious wine that drives away cares and leaves such a flavor behind it grows not everywhere.

Non ubivis nascitur generosum et lene merum, quod curas abigat, quod cum spe divite manet.

Beauty, the gift of Venus, happens to few; and to fewer gives Mercury eloquence.

Paucis contigit formæ gratia, Veneris munus, paucioribus eloquentia, Mercurii donum.

Hercules makes not everyone rich.

Non ita multis obtigerunt opes, dextro Hercule.

Homer’s Jupiter bestows not empire on all men. Mars oftentimes favors neither side.

Imperium non cuivis concedit Iupiter Homericus, Sæpenumero Mavors neutris favet copiis.

Many return sad from Apollo’s oracle.

Complures ab Apollinis tripode tristes discedunt.

Phoebus sometimes shoots a plague among us.

Sæpe fulminat Saturnius. Phoebus aliquando iaculis pestem immittit.

Neptune drowns more than he saves:

Neptunus plures exstinguit quam servat.

to say nothing of those mischievous gods, Plutoes, Ates, punishments, favors, and the like, not gods but executioners.

Ut interim Veioves istos, Plutones, Atas, Poenas, Febres, atque id genus, non Deos, sed carnifices commemorem.

I am that only Folly that so readily and indifferently bestows my benefits on all.

Ego sum una illa Stultitia, quæ omneis ex æquo tam parata beneficentia complector.

XLVII

XLVII

Nor do I look to be entreated, or am I subject to take pet, and require an expiatory sacrifice if some ceremony be omitted.

Nec vota moror, nec irascor, exposcens piamina, si quid cerimoniarum fuerit prætermissum.

Nor do I beat heaven and earth together if, when the rest of the gods are invited, I am passed by or not admitted to the stream of their sacrifices.

Nec coelum terræ misceo, si quis reliquis invitatis Diis, me domi relinquat, nec admittat ad nidorem illum victimarum.

For the rest of the gods are so curious in this point that such an omission may chance to spoil a man’s business; and therefore one has as good even let them alone as worship them:

Nam cæterorum Deorum tanta in his est morositas, ut prope maius sit operæ pretium, atque adeo tutius, illos negligere, quam colere.

just like some men, who are so hard to please, and withall so ready to do mischief, that ’tis better be a stranger than have any familiarity with them.

Quemadmodum sunt et homines nonnulli, tam difficiles, et ad lædendum irritabiles, ut præstiterit eos prorsum alienissimos habere, quam familiares.

But no man, you’ll say, ever sacrificed to Folly or built me a temple.

At nemo, inquiunt, Stultitiæ sacrificat, neque templum statuit.

And troth, as I said before, I cannot but wonder at the ingratitude;

Equidem demiror, ut dixi, nonnihil hanc ingratitudinem.

yet because I am easily to be entreated, I take this also in good part, though truly I can scarce request it.

Verum hoc quoque pro mea facilitate boni consulo: quamquam ne hæc quidem desiderare possum.

For why should I require incense, wafers, a goat, or sow when all men pay me that worship everywhere which is so much approved even by our very divines?

Quid enim est cur tusculum aut molam aut hircum, aut suem requiram, cum mihi mortales omnes ubique gentium eum cultum persolvant, qui vel a Theologis maxime probari solet?

Unless perhaps I should envy Diana that her sacrifices are mingled with human blood.

Nisi forte Dianæ debeam invidere, quod illi humano sanguine litatur.

Then do I conceive myself most religiously worshiped when everywhere, as ’tis generally done, men embrace me in their minds, express me in their manners, and represent me in their lives,

Ego me tum religiosissime coli puto, cum passim, ut faciunt omnes, animo complectuntur, moribus exprimunt, vita repræsentant.

which worship of the saints is not so ordinary among Christians.

Qui quidem Divorum cultus, nec apud Christianos admodum frequens est.

How many are there that burn candles to the Virgin Mother, and that too at noonday when there’s no need of them!

Quanta turba eorum, Deiparæ Virgini cereolum affigunt, idque in meridie, cum nihil est opus?

But how few are there that study to imitate her in pureness of life, humility and love of heavenly things,

Rursum quam pauci qui eamdem, vitæ castimonia, modestia, coelestium rerum amore studeant æmulari?

which is the true worship and most acceptable to heaven!

Nam is demum verus est cultus, longeque Coelitibus gratissimus.

Besides why should I desire a temple when the whole world is my temple, and I’m deceived or ’tis a goodly one?

Præterea cur templum desiderem, cum orbis hic universus templum mihi sit, ni fallor, pulcerrimum?

Nor can I want priests but in a land where there are no men.

Neque vero desunt mystæ, nisi ubi desunt homines.

Nor am I yet so foolish as to require statues or painted images, which do often obstruct my worship, since among the stupid and gross multitude those figures are worshiped for the saints themselves. And so it would fare with me, as it does with them that are turned out of doors by their substitutes.

Nec iam usque adeo stulta sum, ut saxeas ac coloribus fucatas imagines requiram, quæ cultui nostro nonnumquam officiunt, cum a stupidis, et pinguibus istis, signa pro Divis ipsis adorantur. Nobis interim usu venit, quod solet iis, qui a vicariis suis extruduntur.

No, I have statues enough, and as many as there are men, everyone bearing my lively resemblance in his face, how unwilling so ever he be to the contrary.

Mihi tot statuas erectas puto, quot sunt mortales, vivam mei imaginem præ se ferentes, etiamsi nolint.

And therefore there is no reason why I should envy the rest of the gods if in particular places they have their particular worship, and that too on set days—as Phoebus at Rhodes; at Cyprus, Venus; at Argos, Juno; at Athens, Minerva; in Olympus, Jupiter; at Tarentum, Neptune; and near the Hellespont, Priapus—as long as the world in general performs me every day much better sacrifices.

Itaque nihil est quod reliquis Diis invideam, si aliis in angulis terrarum alii colantur, idque statis diebus: quemadmodum Rhodi Phoebus, in Cypro Venus, Argis Iuno, Athenis Minerva, in Olympo Iupiter, Tarenti Neptunus, Lampsaci Priapusa, modo mihi communiter orbis omnis longe potiores victimas assidue præbeat.

XLVIII

XLVIII

Wherein notwithstanding if I shall seem to anyone to have spoken more boldly than truly, let us, if you please, look a little into the lives of men, and it will easily appear not only how much they owe to me, but how much they esteem me even from the highest to the lowest.

Atque si cui videor hæc audacius quam verius dicere, agedum paulisper ipsas hominum vitas inspiciamus, quo palam fiat, et quantum mihi debeant, et quanti me faciant maximi pariter ac minimi.

And yet we will not run over the lives of everyone, for that would be too long, but only some few of the great ones, from whence we shall easily conjecture the rest.

At non quorumlibet vitam recensebimus, nam id quidem perlongum, verum insignium tantum, unde reliquos facile sit æstimare.

For to what purpose is it to say anything of the common people, who without dispute are wholly mine?

Quid enim attinet de vulgo, plebeculaque commemorare, quæ citra controversiam tota mea est?

For they abound everywhere with so many several sorts of folly, and are every day so busy in inventing new, that a thousand Democriti are too few for so general a laughter though there were another Democritus to laugh at them too.

tot enim undique Stultitiæ formis abundat, tot in dies novas comminiscitur, ut nec mille Democriti ad tantos risus suffecerint: quamquam illis ipsis Democritis rursum alio Democrito foret opus.

’Tis almost incredible what sport and pastime they daily make the gods;

Quin etiam incredibile sit dictu, quos ludos, quas delitias, homunculi quotidie præbeant Superis.

for though they set aside their sober forenoon hours to dispatch business and receive prayers, yet when they begin to be well whittled with nectar and cannot think of anything that’s serious, they get them up into some part of heaven that has better prospect than other and thence look down upon the actions of men. Nor is there anything that pleases them better.

Nam hi quidem horas illas sobrias, et antemeridianas iurgiosis consultationibus, ac votis audiendis impartiunt. Cæterum ubi iam nectare madent, neque lubet quidquam serium agere, tum qua parte coelum quam maxime prominet, ibi consident ac pronis frontibus, quid agitent homines speculantur.

Good, good! what an excellent sight it is!

Nec est aliud spectaculum illis suavius.

How many several hurly-burlies of fools!

Deum immortalem! quod theatrum est illud, quam varius stultorum tumultusa?

For I myself sometimes sit among those poetical gods.

Nam ipsa nonnumquam in Deorum poeticorum ordinibus considere soleo.

Here’s one desperately in love with a young wench, and the more she slights him the more outrageously he loves her.

Hic deperit mulierculam, et quo minus adamatur, hoc amat impotentius.

Another marries a woman’s money, not herself.

Ille dotem ducit, non uxorem.

Another’s jealousy keeps more eyes on her than Argos.

Ille sponsam suam prostituit. Alius zelotypus velut Argus observat.

Another becomes a mourner, and how foolishly he carries it!

Hic in luctu, papæ, quam stulta dicit facitque?

nay, hires others to bear him company to make it more ridiculous.

conductis etiam velut histrionibus, qui luctus fabulam peragant.

Another weeps over his mother-in-law’s grave.

Ille flet ad novercæ tumulum.

Another spends all he can rap and run on his belly, to be the more hungry after it.

Hic quidquid undecumque potest corradere, id totum ventriculo donat, paulo post fortiter esuriturus.

Another thinks there is no happiness but in sleep and idleness.

Hic somno et otio nihil putat felicius.

Another turmoils himself about other men’s business and neglects his own.

Sunt qui alienis obeundis negotiis sedulo tumultuantur, sua negligunt.

Another thinks himself rich in taking up moneys and changing securities, as we say borrowing of Peter to pay Paul, and in a short time becomes bankrupt.

Est qui versuris, atque ære alieno divitem se esse putat, mox decocturus.

Another starves himself to enrich his heir.

Alius nihil arbitratur felicius, quam si ipse pauper hæredem locupletet.

Another for a small and uncertain gain exposes his life to the casualties of seas and winds, which yet no money can restore.

Hic ob exiguum, idque incertum lucellum, per omnia maria volitat, undis ac ventis vitam committens, nulla pecunia reparabilem.

Another had rather get riches by war than live peaceably at home. And some there are that think them easiest attained by courting old childless men with presents; and others again by making rich old women believe they love them;

Ille mavult bello divitias quærere, quam tutum otium exigere domi. Sunt qui captandis orbis senibus, putant quam commodissime ad opes perveniri. Neque desunt, qui idem malint deamandis beatis aniculis aucupari.

both which afford the gods most excellent pastime, to see them cheated by those persons they thought to have over-caught.

Quorum utrique tum demum egregiam de se voluptatem Diis spectatoribus præbent, cum ab iis ipsis, quos captant, arte deluduntur.

But the most foolish and basest of all others are our merchants, to wit such as venture on everything be it never so dishonest, and manage it no better; who though they lie by no allowance, swear and forswear, steal, cozen, and cheat, yet shuffle themselves into the first rank, and all because they have gold rings on their fingers.

Est omnium stultissimum ac sordidissimum negotiatorum genus, quippe qui rem omnium sordidissimam tractent, idque sordidissimis rationibus, qui cum passim mentiantur, peierent, furentur, fraudent, imponant, tamen omnium primos sese faciunt, propterea quod digitos habeant auro revinctos.

Nor are they without their flattering friars that admire them and give them openly the title of honorable, in hopes, no doubt, to get some small snip of it themselves.

Nec desunt adulatores Fraterculi, qui mirentur istos, ac venerabiles palam appellent, nimirum, ut ad ipsos aliqua male partorum portiuncula redeat.

There are also a kind of Pythagoreans with whom all things are so common that if they get anything under their cloaks, they make no more scruple of carrying it away than if it were their own by inheritance.

Alibi videas Pythagoricos quosdam, quibus usque adeo omnia videntur esse communia, ut quidquid usquam incustoditum nacti fuerint, id velut hæreditate obvenerit, æquo animo tollant.

There are others too that are only rich in conceit, and while they fancy to themselves pleasant dreams, conceive that enough to make them happy.

Sunt qui votis tantum divites sunt, et iucunda quædam sibi fingunt somnia, idque ad felicitatem satis esse putant.

Some desire to be accounted wealthy abroad and are yet ready to starve at home.

Nonnulli foris divites haberi gaudent, domi gnaviter esuriunt.

One makes what haste he can to set all going, and another rakes it together by right or wrong.

Hic festinat quidquid habet profundere, ille per fas nefasque congerit.

This man is ever laboring for public honors, and another lies sleeping in a chimney corner.

Hic candidatus ambit populares honores, ille ad focum semet oblectat.

A great many undertake endless suits and outvie one another who shall most enrich the dilatory judge or corrupt advocate.

Bona pars lites numquam finiendas agitat, et hinc atque hinc certatim contendunt, ut prorogatorem iudicem, et collusorem ditent advocatum.

One is all for innovations and another for some great he-knows-not-what.

Hic rebus novandis studet, ille magnum quiddam molitur.

Another leaves his wife and children at home and goes to Jerusalem, Rome, or in pilgrimage to St. James’s where he has no business.

Est qui Hierosolymam, Romam, aut divum Jacobum adeat, ubi nihil est illi negotii, domi relictis cum uxore liberis.

In short, if a man like Menippus of old could look down from the moon and behold those innumerable rufflings of mankind, he would think he saw a swarm of flies and gnats quarreling among themselves, fighting, laying traps for one another, snatching, playing, wantoning, growing up, falling, and dying.

In summa, si mortalium innumerabiles tumultus, e Luna, quemadmodum Menippus olim, despicias, putes te muscarum, aut culicum videre turbam inter se rixantium, bellantium, insidiantium, rapientium, ludentium, lascivientium, nascentium, cadentium, morientium.

Nor is it to be believed what stir, what broils, this little creature raises, and yet in how short a time it comes to nothing itself; while sometimes war, other times pestilence, sweeps off many thousands of them together.

Neque satis credi potest, quos motus, quas tragoedias ciat tantulum animalculum, tamque mox periturum. Nam aliquoties vel levis belli, seu pestilentiæ procella, multa simul millia rapit ac dissipat.

XLIX

XLIX

But let me be most foolish myself, and one whom Democritus may not only laugh at but flout, if I go one foot further in the discovery of the follies and madnesses of the common people.

Sed ipsa stultissima sim, planeque digna, quam multis cachinnis rideat Democritus, si pergam popularium stultitiarum, et insaniarum formas enumerare.

I’ll betake me to them that carry the reputation of wise men and hunt after that golden bough, as says the proverb. Among whom the grammarians hold the first place, a generation of men than whom nothing would be more miserable, nothing more perplexed, nothing more hated of the gods, did not I allay the troubles of that pitiful profession with a certain kind of pleasant madness.

Ad eos accingar, qui sapientiæ speciem inter mortales tenent, et aureum illum ramum, ut aiunt, aucupantur, inter quos Grammatici primas tenent, genus hominum profecto, quo nihil calamitosius, nihil afflictius, nihil æque Diis invisum foret, nisi ego miserrimæ professionis incommoda dulci quodam insaniæ genere mitigarem.

For they are not only subject to those five curses with which Home begins his Iliads, as says the Greek epigram, but six hundred; as being ever hunger-starved and slovens in their schools—schools, did I say? Nay, rather cloisters, bridewells, or slaughterhouses—grown old among a company of boys, deaf with their noise, and pined away with stench and nastiness. And yet by my courtesy it is that they think themselves the most excellent of all men,

Neque enim pente katarais, id est, quinque tantum diris obnoxii sunt isti, quemadmodum indicat epigramma Græcum, verum sexcentis, ut qui semper famelici, sordidique in ludis illis suis, in ludis dixi, imo in phrontistêriois vel pistrinis potius, ac carnificinis inter puerorum greges, consenescant laboribus, obsurdescant clamoribus, foetore pædoreque contabescant, tamen meo beneficio fit, ut sibi primi mortalium esse videantur.

so greatly do they please themselves in frighting a company of fearful boys with a thundering voice and big looks, tormenting them with ferules, rods, and whips; and, laying about them without fear or wit, imitate the ass in the lion’s skin.

Adeo sibi placent, dum pavidam turbam, minaci vultu voceque territant: dum ferulis, virgis, lorisque conscindunt miseros, dumque modis omnibus suo arbitratu sæviunt, asinum illum Cumanum imitantes.

In the meantime all that nastiness seems absolute spruceness, that stench a perfume, and that miserable slavery a kingdom, and such too as they would not change their tyranny for Phalaris’ or Dionysius’ empire.

Interim sordes illæ, meræ munditiæ videntur, pædor amaricinum olet, miserrima illa servitus regnum esse putatur, ut tyrannidem suam nolint cum Phalaridis aut Dionysii imperio commutare.

Nor are they less happy in that new opinion they have taken up of being learned;

Sed longe etiam feliciores sunt, nova quadam doctrinæ persuasione.

for whereas most of them beat into boys’ heads nothing but foolish toys, yet, you good gods! what Palemon, what Donatus, do they not scorn in comparison of themselves?

Siquidem cum mera deliramenta pueris inculcent, tamen, Dii boni, quem non illi Palæmonem, quem non Donatum præ sese contemnunt?

And so, I know not by what tricks, they bring it about that to their boys’ foolish mothers and dolt-headed fathers they pass for such as they fancy themselves.

idque nescio quibus præstigiis mire efficiunt, ut stultis materculis et idiotis patribus tales videantur, quales ipsi se faciunt.

Add to this that other pleasure of theirs, that if any of them happen to find out who was Anchises’ mother, or pick out of some worm-eaten manuscript a word not commonly known—as suppose it bubsequa for a cowherd, bovinator for a wrangler, manticulator for a cutpurse—or dig up the ruins of some ancient monument with the letters half eaten out; O Jupiter! what towerings! what triumphs! what commendations! as if they had conquered Africa or taken in Babylon.

Iam adde et hoc voluptatis genus, quoties istorum aliquis Anchisæ matrem, aut voculam vulgo incognitam, in putri quapiam charta deprehenderit, puta bubsequam, bovinatorem aut manticulatorem, aut si quis vetusti saxi fragmentum, mutilis notatum litteris, alicubi effoderit: O Iupiter, quæ tum exsultatio, qui triumphi, quæ encomia, perinde quasi vel Africam devicerint, vel Babylonas ceperint.

But what of this when they give up and down their foolish insipid verses, and there wants not others that admire them as much? They believe presently that Virgil’s soul is transmigrated into them!

Quid autem cum frigidissimos et insulsissimos versiculos suos passim ostentant, neque desunt qui mirentur, iam plane Maronis animam in suum pectus demigrasse credunt.

But nothing like this, when with mutual compliments they praise, admire, and claw one another.

At nihil omnium suavius, quam cum ipsi inter sese mutua talione laudant ac mirantur, vicissimque scabunt.

Whereas if another do but slip a word and one more quick-sighted than the rest discover it by accident, O Hercules! what uproars, what bickerings, what taunts, what invectives!

Quod si quis alius verbulo lapsus sit, idque forte fortuna hic oculatior deprehenderit, Hêrakleis, quæ protinus tragoediæ, quæ digladiationes, quæ convitia, quæ invectivæ?

If I lie, let me have the ill will of all the grammarians.

Male propitios habeam omneis Grammaticos, si quid mentior.

I knew in my time one of many arts, a Grecian, a Latinist, a mathematician, a philosopher, a physician, a man master of them all, and sixty years of age, who, laying by all the rest, perplexed and tormented himself for above twenty years in the study of grammar, fully reckoning himself a prince if he might but live so long till he could certainly determine how the eight parts of speech were to be distinguished, which none of the Greeks or Latins had yet fully cleared:

Novi quemdam polutechnotaton, græcum, latinum, mathematicum, philosophum, medicum, kai tauta basilikon, iam sexagenarium, qui cæteris rebus omissis, annis plus viginti se torquet ac discrutiat in Grammatica, prorsus felicem se fore ratus, si tam diu liceat vivere, donec certo statuat, quomodo distinguendæ sint octo partes orationis, quod hactenus nemo Græcorum aut Latinorum ad plenum præstare valuit.

as if it were a matter to be decided by the sword if a man made an adverb of a conjunction.

Perinde quasi res sit bello quoque vindicanda, si quis coniunctionem facit dictionem ad adverbiorum ius pertinentem.

And for this cause is it that we have as many grammars as grammarians; nay more, forasmuch as my friend Aldus has given us above five, not passing by any kind of grammar, how barbarously or tediously soever compiled, which he has not turned over and examined; envying every man’s attempts in this kind, how to be pitied than happy, as persons that are ever tormenting themselves;

Et hac gratia, cum totidem sint grammaticæ quot grammatici, imo plures: quandoquidem Aldus meus unus, plus quinquies grammaticam dedit, hic nullam omnino quantum vis barbare aut moleste scriptam prætermittit, quam non evolvat, excutiatque: nemini non invidens, si quid quantumlibet inepte moliatur in hoc genere, misere timens, ne quis forte gloriam hanc præripiat, et pereant tot annorum labores.

Utrum insaniam hanc vocare mavultis, an stultitiam?

Nam mea quidem haud magni refert, modo fateamini meo beneficio fieri, ut animal omnium alioqui longe miserrimum, eo felicitatis evehatur, ut sortem suam neque cum Persarum regibus cupiat permutare.

L

L

Minus mihi debent Poetæ, tametsi vel ex professo meæ sunt factionis, quippe liberum genus, ut habet proverbium, quorum omne studium non alio pertinet, quam ad demulcendas stultorum aures, idque meris nugamentis, ac ridiculis fabulis.

Et tamen his freti dictu mirum, ut cum sibi polliceantur immortalitatem, et Diis parem vitam, tum aliis eamdem promittant.

Huic ordini præ cæteris familiares philautia kai kolakia, nec ab ullo mortalium genere color neque simplicius, neque constantius.

Porro rhetores, quamquam nonnihil illi quidem prævaricantur, colluduntque cum philosophis, tamen hos quoque nostræ factionis esse, cum alia multa, tum illud in primis arguit, quod præter alias nugas, tam accurate, tam multa de iocandi ratione conscripserunt.

Atque adeo stultitiam ipsam inter facetiarum species numerat, quisquis is fuit, qui ad Herennium dicendi artem scripsit: Quodque apud Quintilianum, huius ordinis longe principem, caput est de risu, vel Iliade prolixius: tantumque stultitiæ tribuunt, ut sæpenumero quod nullis argumentis dilui possit, risu tamen eludatur.