Non, opinor, imo ea pars adeo stulta, adeoque ridicula, ut nec nominari citra risum possit, humani generis est propagatrix.

Is est sacer ille fons, unde uitam hauriunt omnia uerius quam ille Pythagoricus quaternio.

But tell me, I beseech you, what man is that would submit his neck to the noose of wedlock, if, as wise men should, he did but first truly weigh the inconvenience of the thing? Or what woman is there would ever go to it did she seriously consider either the peril of child-bearing or the trouble of bringing them up?

Age uero, qui uir, obsecro, matrimonii capistro uelit præbere os, si quemadmodum isti sapientes facere consueuerunt, prius eius uitæ incommoda secum perpenderit: aut quæ tandem mulier uirum admissura sit, si partus periculosos labores, si educationis molestiam, uel norit, uel cogitarit?

So then, if you owe your beings to wedlock, you owe that wedlock to this my follower, Madness; and what you owe to me I have already told you.

Porro si coniugiis debetis uitam, coniugium autem debetis anoia pedissequæ, mihi nimirum quid debeatis, intelligitis.

Again, she that has but once tried what it is, would she, do you think, make a second venture if it were not for my other companion, Oblivion?

Tum quæ semel hæc experta, denuo repetere uelit nisi lêthês præsens nomen adfuerit?

Nay, even Venus herself, notwithstanding whatever Lucretius has said, would not deny but that all her virtue were lame and fruitless without the help of my deity.

Neque uero id Venus ipsa, uel reclamante Lucretio, umquam inficias iuerit, sine nostri numinis accessione, suam uim mancam atque irritam esse.

For out of that little, odd, ridiculous May-game came the supercilious philosophers, in whose room have succeeded a kind of people the world calls monks, cardinals, priests, and the most holy popes. And lastly, all that rabble of the poets’ gods, with which heaven is so thwacked and thronged, that though it be of so vast an extent, they are hardly able to crowd one by another.

Itaque ex nostro illo temulento ridiculoque lusu, proueniunt, et superciliosi Philosophi, in quorum locum nunc successere, quos uulgus Monachos appellat, et purpurei reges et pii sacerdotes, et ter sacntissimi Pontifices. Postremo totus etiam ille Deorum Poeticorum coetus, adeo frequens, ut turbam uix iam ipse capiat Olympus, tametsi spatiosissimus.

XII

XII

But I think it is a small matter that you thus owe your beginning of life to me, unless I also show you that whatever benefit you receive in the progress of it is of my gift likewise. For what other is this? Can that be called life where you take away pleasure?

At sane parum sit mihi uitæ seminarium, ac fontem deberi, nisi quidquid in omni uita commodi est, id quoque totum ostendero mei muneris esse. Quid autem uita hæc, num omnino uita uidetur appellanda, si uoluptatem detraxeris?

Oh! Do you like what I say?

Applausistis.

I knew none of you could have so little wit, or so much folly, or wisdom rather, as to be of any other opinion.

Equidem sciebam neminem uestrum ita sapere, uel desipere magis, imo sapere potius, ut in hac esset sententia.

For even the Stoics themselves that so severely cried down pleasure did but handsomely dissemble, and railed against it to the common people to no other end but that having discouraged them from it, they might the more plentifully enjoy it themselves.

Quamquam ne Stoici quidem isti uoluptatem adspernantur, tametsi sedulo dissimulant, milleque conuitiis eam apud uulgus dilacerant, nimirum ut deterritis aliis, ipsi prolixius fruantur.

But tell me, by Jupiter, what part of man’s life is that that is not sad, crabbed, unpleasant, insipid, troublesome, unless it be seasoned with pleasure, that is to say, folly?

Sed dicant mihi per Iouem, quæ tandem uitæ pars est, non tristis, non in infestiua, non inuenusta, non insipida, non molesta, nisi uoluptatem, id est, stultitiæ condimentum adjunxeris?

For the proof of which the never sufficiently praised Sophocles in that his happy elegy of us, “To know nothing is the only happiness,” might be authority enough, but that I intend to take every particular by itself.

Cuius rei cum satis idoneus testis esse possit, ille numquam satis laudatus Sophocles, cuius exstat pulcerrimum illud de nobis Elogium, en tô phronein gar mêdev hêdistos bios, tamen age, rem omnem sigillatim aperiamus.

XIII

XIII

And first, who knows not but a man’s infancy is the merriest part of life to himself, and most acceptable to others?

Principio quis nescit primam hominis ætatem multo lætissimam, multoque omnibus gratissimam esse?

For what is that in them which we kiss, embrace, cherish, nay enemies succor, but this witchcraft of folly, which wise Nature did of purpose give them into the world with them that they might the more pleasantly pass over the toil of education, and as it were flatter the care and diligence of their nurses?

Quid est enim illud in infantibus, quod sic exosculamur, sic amplectimur, sic fouemus, ut hostis etiam huic ætati ferat opem, nisi stultitiæ lenocinium, quod data opera prudens natura, recens natis adjunxit, ut aliquo uoluptatis uelut auctoramento, et educantium labores delinire queant, et tuentium fauores eblandiantur?

And then for youth, which is in such reputation everywhere, how do all men favor it, study to advance it, and lend it their helping hand? And whence, I pray, all this grace? Whence but from me? by whose kindness, as it understands as little as may be, it is also for that reason the higher privileged from exceptions;

Deinde quæ succedit huic adolescentia, quam est apud omnes gratiosa, quam candide fauent omnes, quam studiose prouehunt, quam officiose porrigunt auxiliares manus? At unde, quæso, ista iuuentæ gratia? unde, nisi ex me? Cuius beneficio quam minimum sapit, atque ob id quam minime ringitur.

and I am mistaken if, when it is grown up and by experience and discipline brought to savor something like man, if in the same instant that beauty does not fade, its liveliness decay, its pleasantness grow flat, and its briskness fail.

Mentior, nisi mox ubi grandiores facti, per rerum usum, ac disciplinas uirile quiddam sapere coeperint, continuo deflorescit formæ nitor, languescit alacritas, frigescit lepos, labascit uigor.

And by how much the further it runs from me, by so much the less it lives, till it comes to the burden of old age, not only hateful to others, but to itself also. Which also were altogether insupportable did not I pity its condition, in being present with it, and, as the poets’ gods were wont to assist such as were dying with some pleasant metamorphosis, help their decrepitness as much as in me lies by bringing them back to a second childhood,

Quoque longius a me subducitur, hoc minus minusque uiuit, donec succedat to chalepon gêras, id est, molesta senectus, non iam aliis modo, uerum etiam sibimet inuisa. Quæ quidem prorsum nulli mortalium foret tolerabilis, nisi rursum tantorum miserta laborum dextra adessem, et quemadmodum Dii Poetarum solent pereuntibus aliqua metamorphosi succurrere, itidem ego quoque iam capulo proximos denuo quoad licet, ad pueritiam eos reuocarem.

from whence they are not improperly called twice children. Which, if you ask me how I do it, I shall not be shy in the point. I bring them to our River Lethe (for its springhead rises in the Fortunate Islands, and that other of hell is but a brook in comparison), from which, as soon as they have drunk down a long forgetfulness, they wash away by degrees the perplexity of their minds, and so wax young again. But perhaps you’ll say they are foolish and doting.

Vnde non abs re uulgus eos palimpaidas appellare consueuit. Porro si quis transformandi rationem requirat, ne id quidem celarim. Ad Lethes nostræ fontem, nam Insulis Fortunatis oritur (siquidem apud Inferos tenuis modo riuulus labitur), eos produco, ut simul atque illic longa potarint obliuia, paulatim dilutis animi curis repubescant. At isti iam delirant, inquiunt, iam desipiunt.

Admit it; ’tis the very essence of childhood; as if to be such were not to be a fool, or that that condition had anything pleasant in it, but that it understood nothing. For who would not look upon that child as a prodigy that should have as much wisdom as a man?—

Esto sane. Sed istud ipsum est repuerascere. An uero aliud est puerum esse quam delirare, quam desipere? An non hoc uel maxime in ea delectat ætate, quod nihil sapit? Quis enim non ceu portentum oderit, atque exsecretur puerum uirili sapientia?

according to that common proverb, “I do not like a child that is a man too soon.” Or who would endure a converse or friendship with that old man who to so large an experience of things had joined an equal strength of mind and sharpness of judgment?

Adstipulatur et uulgo iactatum prouerbium: Odi puerulum præcoci sapientia. Quis autem sustineret habere commercium aut consuetudinem cum eo sene, qui ad tantam rerum experientiam, parem animi uigorem iudiciique acrimoniam adiunxisset?

And therefore for this reason it is that old age dotes; and that it does so, it is beholding to me. Yet, notwithstanding, is this dotard exempt from all those cares that distract a wise man; he is not the less pot companion,

Itaque delirat senex meo munere. Sed tamen delirus iste meus interim miseris illis curis uacat, quibus sapiens ille distorquetur. Interim non illepidus est compotor.

nor is he sensible of that burden of life which the more manly age finds enough to do to stand upright under it. And sometimes too, like Plautus’ old man, he returns to his three letters, A.M.O., the most unhappy of all things living, if he rightly understood what he did in it. And yet, so much do I befriend him that I make him well received of his friends and no unpleasant companion;

Non sensit uitæ tædium, quod robustior ætas uix tolerat. Nonnumquam cum sene Plautino ad tres illas litteras reuertitur, infelicissimus si sapiat: At interim meo beneficio felix, interim amicis gratus, ne congerro quidem infestiuus.

for as much as, according to Homer, Nestor’s discourse was pleasanter than honey, whereas Achilles’ was both bitter and malicious; and that of old men, as he has it in another place, florid.

Quandoquidem et apud Homerum e Nestoris ore fiuit oratio melle dulcior, cum Achillis sit amarulenta, et apud eumdem, senes in moenibus considentes, tên leirioessan uocem edunt.

In which respect also they have this advantage of children, in that they want the only pleasure of the others’ life, we’ll suppose it prattling.

Quo quidem calculo ipsam etiam superant pueritiam, suauem quidem illam, sed infantem, ac præcipuo uitæ oblectamento, puta garrulitate carentem.

Add to this that old men are more eagerly delighted with children, and they, again, with old men. “Like to like,” quoted the Devil to the collier. For what difference between them, but that the one has more wrinkles and years upon his head than the other?

Addite huc quod pueris quoque gaudeant impensius senes, ac pueri uicissim senibus delectantur, hôs aiei ton homoion agei theos hôs ton homoion. Quid enim inter illos non conuenit, nisi quod hic rugosior et plures numerat natales?

Otherwise, the brightness of their hair, toothless mouth, weakness of body, love of mild, broken speech, chatting, toying, forgetfulness, inadvertency,

Alioqui capillorum albor, os edentulum, corporis modus minor, lactis appetentia, balbuties, garrulitas, ineptia, obliuio, incogitantia, breuiter omnia cætera congruunt.

and briefly, all other their actions agree in everything. And by how much the nearer they approach to this old age, by so much they grow backward into the likeness of children, until like them they pass from life to death, without any weariness of the one, or sense of the other.

Quoque magis accedunt ad senectam, hoc propius ad pueritiæ similitudinem redeunt, donec puerorum ritu, citra uitæ tædium, citra mortis sensum emigrant e vita.

XIV

XIV

And now, let him that will compare the benefits they receive by me, the metamorphoses of the gods, of whom I shall not mention what they have done in their pettish humors but where they have been most favorable: turning one into a tree, another into a bird, a third into a grasshopper, serpent, or the like. As if there were any difference between perishing and being another thing!

Eat nunc qui uolet, et hoc meum beneficium cum reliquorum Deorum metamorphosi comparet. Qui quid irati faciant, non libet commemorare: sed quibus quam maxime propitii sunt, eos solent in arborem, in auem, in cicadam aut etiam in serpentem transformare: quasi uero non istud ipsum sit perire, aliud fieri.

But I restore the same man to the best and happiest part of his life. And if men would but refrain from all commerce with wisdom and give up themselves to be governed by me, they should never know what it were to be old, but solace themselves with a perpetual youth.

Ego uero hominem eumdem optimæ ac felicissimæ uitæ parti restituo. Quod si mortales prorsus ab omni sapientiæ commercio temperarent, ac perpetuo mecum ætatem agerent, ne esset quidem ullum senium, uerum perpetua iuuenta fruerentur felices.

Do but observe our grim philosophers that are perpetually beating their brains on knotty subjects, and for the most part you’ll find them grown old before they are scarcely young. And whence is it, but that their continual and restless thoughts insensibly prey upon their spirits and dry up their radical moisture?

An non uidetis tetricos istos et uel Philosophiæ studiis, uel seriis et arduis addictos negotiis plerumque priusquam plane iuuenes sint, iam consenuisse, uidelicet curis, et assidua acrique cogitationum agitatione sensim spiritus et succum illum uitalem exhauriente?

Whereas, on the contrary, my fat fools are as plump and round as a Westphalian hog, and never sensible of old age, unless perhaps, as sometimes it rarely happens, they come to be infected with wisdom,

Cum contra Moriones mei pinguiculi sint, et nitidi, et bene curata cute, plane choiroi, quod aiunt, Akaranioi, numquam profecto senectutis incommodum ullum sensuri, nisi nonnihil, ut fit, sapientum contagio inficerentur.

so hard a thing it is for a man to be happy in all things.

Adeo nihil patitur hominum uita, omni ex parte beatum esse.

And to this purpose is that no small testimony of the proverb, that says, “Folly is the only thing that keeps youth at a stay and old age afar off;”

Accedit ad hæc uulgati prouerbii non leue testimonium, quo dictitant, STVLTITIAM unam esse rem, quæ et iuuentam alioqui fugacissimam remoretur, et improbam senectam procul arceat.

as it is verified in the Brabanders, of whom there goes this common saying, “That age, which is wont to render other men wiser, makes them the greater fools.”

Vt non temere de Brabantis populari sermone iactatum sit. Cum cæteris hominibus ætas prudentiam adferre soleat, hos quo propius ad senectam accedunt, hoc magis atque magis stultescere.

And yet there is scarce any nation of a more jocund converse, or that is less sensible of the misery of old age, than they are.

Atqui hac gente non est alia, uel ad communem uitæ consuetudinem festiuior, uel quæ minus sentiat senectutis tristitiam.

And to these, as in situation, so for manner of living, come nearest my friends the Hollanders. And why should I not call them mine,

His quidem ut loco, ita et uitæ instituto confines sunt Hollandi mei, cur enim non meos appellem, usque adeo studiosos mei cultores, ut inde uulgo cognomen emeruerint?

since they are so diligent observers of me that they are commonly called by my name?—of which they are so far from being ashamed, they rather pride themselves in it. Let the foolish world then be packing and seek out Medeas, Circes, Venuses, Auroras, and I know not what other fountains of restoring youth. I am sure I am the only person that both can, and have, made it good.

cuius illos adeo non pudet, ut hinc uel præcipue sese iactitent. Eant nunc stultissimi mortales, et Medeas, Circes, Veneres, Auroras, et fontem, nescio quem, requirant, quo sibi iuuentam restituant, cum id sola præstare et possim et soleam.

’Tis I alone that have that wonderful juice with which Memnon’s daughter prolonged the youth of her grandfather Tithon.

Apud me succus est ille mirificus, quo Memnonis filia Tithoni aui sui iuuentam prorogauit.

I am that Venus by whose favor Phaon became so young again that Sappho fell in love with him.

Ego sum Venus illa, cuius fauore Phaon ille repubuit, ita ut a Sapphone tantopere deamaretur.

Mine are those herbs, if yet there be any such, mine those charms, and mine that fountain that not only restores departed youth but, which is more desirable, preserves it perpetual.

Meæ sunt herbæ, si quæ sunt, mea precamina, meus ille fons, qui non solum reuocat elapsam adolescentiam, sed quod est optabilius, perpetuam seruat.

And if you all subscribe to this opinion, that nothing is better than youth or more execrable than age, I conceive you cannot but see how much you are indebted to me, that have retained so great a good and shut out so great an evil.

Quod si omnes huic sententiæ subscribitis, adolescentia nihil esse melius, senectute nihil detestabilius, quantum mihi debeatis uidetis opinor, quæ tantum bonum retineat, tanto excluso malo.

XV

XV

But why do I altogether spend my breath in speaking of mortals?

Sed quid adhuc de mortalibus loquor?

View heaven round, and let him that will reproach me with my name if he find any one of the gods that were not stinking and contemptible were he not made acceptable by my deity.

Coelum omne lustrate, et mihi meum nomen opprobret licebit, quicumque uolet, si quem omnino Deorum repererit non insuauem et aspernabilem, nisi meo numine commendetur.

Why is it that Bacchus is always a stripling, and bushy-haired?

Etenim cur semper ephebus et comatus Bacchus?

but because he is mad, and drunk, and spends his life in drinking, dancing, revels, and May games, not having so much as the least society with Pallas.

Nempe quia uecors ac temulentus, conuiuiis, saltationibus, choreis, lusibus uitam omnem transigens, ne tantulum quidem habet cum Pallade commercii.

And lastly, he is so far from desiring to be accounted wise that he delights to be worshiped with sports and gambols;

Denique tantum abest, ut sapiens haberi postulet, ut ludibriis ac iocis coli gaudeat.

nor is he displeased with the proverb that gave him the surname of fool, “A greater fool than Bacchus;”

Neque prouerbio offenditur, quod illi fatui cognomentum attribuit, id est huiusmodi, moruchou môrteros.

which name of his was changed to Morychus, for that sitting before the gates of his temple, the wanton country people were wont to bedaub him with new wine and figs.

Porro Morycho nomen uerterunt, quod illum pro templi foribus sedentem, musto ficisque recentibus, agricolarum lasciuia consueuerit oblinere.

And of scoffs, what not, have not the ancient comedies thrown on him?

Tum autem quid non scommatum in hunc uetus iacit comoedia? O insulsum, inquiunt, Deum, et dignum qui ex inguine nasceretur.

O foolish god, say they, and worthy to be born as you were of your father’s thigh! And yet, who had not rather be your fool and sot, always merry, ever young, and making sport for other people, than either Homer’s Jupiter with his crooked counsels, terrible to everyone; or old Pan with his hubbubs; or smutty Vulcan half covered with cinders; or even Pallas herself, so dreadful with her Gorgon’s head and spear and a countenance like bullbeef?

At quis non malit hic fatuus et insulsus esse, semper festiuus, semper pubescens, semper omnibus lusus ac uoluptatem adferens, quam uel agkulomêtis ille Iupiter omnibus formidabilis, uel Pan suis tumultibus omnia senio uitians, uel fauillis oppletus Vulcanus, ac semper of ficinæ laboribus squalidus, aut Pallas etiam ipsa, sua Gorgone et hasta terribilis kai æi enorôsa drimu.

Why is Cupid always portrayed like a boy,

Cur semper puer Cupido?

Cur?

but because he is a very wag and can neither do nor so much as think of anything sober?

nisi quia nugator est, kai mêdev hugies neque facit, neque cogitat?

Why Venus ever in her prime, but because of her affinity with me?

Cur aureæ Veneri semper uornat sua forma?

Witness that color of her hair, so resembling my father, from whence she is called the golden Venus;

Nimirum, quia mecum habet affinitatem, unde et patris mei colorem uultu refert, atque hac de causa est apud Homerum, chrusê Aphroditê.

and lastly, ever laughing, if you give any credit to the poets, or their followers the statuaries.

Deinde perpetuo ridet, si quid modo Poetis credimus, aut horum æmulis Statuariis.

What deity did the Romans ever more religiously adore than that of Flora, the foundress of all pleasure?

Quod numen umquam religiosius coluere Romani, quam Floræ omnium uoluptatum parentis?

Nay, if you should but diligently search the lives of the most sour and morose of the gods out of Homer and the rest of the poets, you would find them all but so many pieces of Folly.

Quamquam si quis etiam tetricorum Deorum uitam diligentius requirat ab Homero, reliquisque Poetis, reperiet stultitiæ plena omnia.

And to what purpose should I run over any of the other gods’ tricks when you know enough of Jupiter’s loose loves?

Quid enim attinet reliquorum facta commemorare, cum Iouis ipsius fulminatoris amores ac lusus probe noritis?

When that chaste Diana shall so far forget her sex as to be ever hunting and ready to perish for Endymion?

cum seuera illa Diana oblita sexus, nihil aliud quam uenetur, Endymionem interim deperiens?

But I had rather they should hear these things from Momus, from whom heretofore they were wont to have their shares,

Verum illi sua facinora a Momo audiant malim, a quo sæpius quondam audire solebant.

till in one of their angry humors they tumbled him, together with Ate, goddess of mischief, down headlong to the earth, because his wisdom, forsooth, unseasonably disturbed their happiness.

Sed hunc nuper irati una cum Ate in terras præcipitem dederunt, quod sapientia sua felicitati Deorum importunus obstreperet.

Nor since that dares any mortal give him harbor, though I must confess there wanted little but that he had been received into the courts of princes, had not my companion Flattery reigned in chief there, with whom and the other there is no more correspondence than between lambs and wolves.

Neque mortalium ullus exsulem dignatur hospitio, tantum abest ut illi in Principum aulis sit locus, in quibus tamen mea kolakia primas tenet, cui cum Momo non magis conuenit, quam cum agno lupis.

From whence it is that the gods play the fool with the greater liberty and more content to themselves “doing all things carelessly,” as says Father Homer, that is to say, without anyone to correct them.

Itaque sublato illo, iam multo licentius ac suauius nugantur Dii, uere raon agontes, ut inquit Homerus, nullo uidelicet censore.

For what ridiculous stuff is there which that stump of the fig tree Priapus does not afford them?

Quos enim non præbet iocos ficulnus ille Priapus?

What tricks and legerdemains with which Mercury does not cloak his thefts?

Quos non ludos exhibet furtis ac præstigiis suis Mercurius?

What buffoonery that Vulcan is not guilty of, while one with his polt-foot, another with his smutched muzzle, another with his impertinencies, he makes sport for the rest of the gods?

Quin et Vulcanus ipse in Deorum conuiuiis gelôtopoion agere consueuit, ac modo claudicatione, modo cauillis, modo ridiculis dictis exhilarare compotationem.

As also that old Silenus with his country dances, Polyphemus footing time to his Cyclops hammers, the nymphs with their jigs, and satyrs with their antics;

Tum et Silenus ille senex amator, tên kordaka saltare solitus, una cum Polyphemo tên threttanelo, Nymphis tên gumnopodian saltantibus.

while Pan makes them all twitter with some coarse ballad, which yet they had rather hear than the Muses themselves, and chiefly when they are well whittled with nectar.

Satyri semicapri Atellanas agitant, Pan insulsa quapiam cantiuncula risum omnibus mouet, quem ita malunt, quam ipsas audire Musas, præcipue cum iam nectare coeperint madere.

Besides, what should I mention what these gods do when they are half drunk?

Porro quid ego nunc commemorem, quæ probe poti Dii post conuiuium agitent?

Now by my troth, so foolish that I myself can hardly refrain laughter.

adeo mehercle stulta, ut ipsa nonnumquam a risu temperare nequeam.

But in these matters ’twere better we remembered Harpocrates, lest some eavesdropping god or other take us whispering that which Momus only has the privilege of speaking at length.

At satius est in his Harpocratis meminisse, ne quis forte nos quoque Corycæus aliquis Deus auscultet, ea narrantes, quæ ne Momus quidem impune proloquutus est.

XVI

XVI

And therefore, according to Homer’s example, I think it high time to leave the gods to themselves, and look down a little on the earth; wherein likewise you’ll find nothing frolic or fortunate that it owes not to me.

Sed iam tempus est, ut ad Homericum exemplar relictis Coelitibus uicissim in terram demigremus, quamque ibi nihil lætum, aut felix, nisi meo munere, dispiciamus.

So provident has that great parent of mankind, Nature, been that there should not be anything without its mixture and, as it were, seasoning of Folly.

In primis uidetis, quanta prouidentia Natura parens et humani generis opifex, illud cauerit, ne usquam deesset stultitiæ condimentum?

For since according to the definition of the Stoics, wisdom is nothing else than to be governed by reason, and on the contrary Folly, to be given up to the will of our passions, that the life of man might not be altogether disconsolate and hard to away with, of how much more passion than reason has Jupiter composed us? putting in, as one would say, “scarce half an ounce to a pound.”

Etenim cum Stoicis definitoribus nihil aliud sit sapientia, quam duci ratione; contra stultitia, affectuum arbitrio moueri, ne plane tristis ac tetrica esset hominum uita, Iupiter quanto plus indidit affectuum quam rationis? quasi semiunciam compares ad assem.

Besides, he has confined reason to a narrow corner of the brain and left all the rest of the body to our passions;

Præterea rationem in angustum capitis angulum relegauit, reliquum omne corpus perturbationibus reliquit.

has also set up, against this one, two as it were, masterless tyrants—anger, that possesses the region of the heart, and consequently the very fountain of life, the heart itself; and lust, that stretches its empire everywhere.

Deinde duos quasi tyrannos uiolentissimos uni opposuit, iram, quæ præcordiorum arcem obtinet, atque adeo ipsum uitæ fontem cor, et concupiscentiam, quæ ad imam usque pubem latissime imperium occupat.

Against which double force how powerful reason is let common experience declare, inasmuch as she, which yet is all she can do, may call out to us till she be hoarse again and tell us the rules of honesty and virtue; while they give up the reins to their governor and make a hideous clamor, till at last being wearied, he suffer himself to be carried whither they please to hurry him.

Aduersus has geminas copias quantum ualeat ratio, communis hominum uita satis declarat, cum illa, quod unum licet, uel usque ad rauim reclamat, et honesti dictat formulas. Verum hi laqueum regi suo remittunt, multoque odiosius obstrepunt, donec iam is quoque fessus ultro cedit, ac manus dat.

XVII

XVII

But forasmuch as such as are born to the business of the world have some little sprinklings of reason more than the rest, yet that they may the better manage it, even in this as well as in other things, they call me to counsel; and I give them such as is worthy of myself, to wit, that they take to them a wife—a silly thing, God wot, and foolish, yet wanton and pleasant, by which means the roughness of the masculine temper is seasoned and sweetened by her folly.

Cæterum quoniam uiro administrandis rebus nato, plusculum de rationis unciola erat adspergendum, ut huic quoque pro uirili consuleret, me sicut in cæteris in consilium adhibuit, moxque consilium dedi me dignum: nempe uti mulierem adiungeret, animal, uidelicet, stultum quidem illud atque ineptum, uerum ridiculum et suaue, quo conuictu domestico, uirilis ingenii tristitiam, sua stultitia condiret atque edulcaret.

For in that Plato seems to doubt under what genus he should put woman, to wit, that of rational creatures or brutes, he intended no other in it than to show the apparent folly of the sex.

Nam, quod Plato dubitare uidetur, utro in genere ponat mulierem, rationalium animantium, an brutorum, nihil aliud uoluit, quam insignem eius sexus stultitiam indicare.

For if perhaps any of them goes about to be thought wiser than the rest, what else does she do but play the fool twice, as if a man should “teach a cow to dance,” “a thing quite against the hair.” For as it doubles the crime if anyone should put a disguise upon Nature, or endeavor to bring her to that she will in no wise bear,

Quod si qua forte mulier sapiens haberi uoluit, ea nihil aliud agit quam ut bis stulta sit, perinde quasi bouem aliquis ducat ad ceroma, inuita reluctanteque, ut aiunt, Minerua. Conduplicat enim uitium, quisquis contra naturam, uirtutis fucum inducit, atque alio deflectit ingenium.

according to that proverb of the Greeks, “An ape is an ape, though clad in scarlet”; so a woman is a woman still, that is to say foolish, let her put on whatever vizard she please.

Quemadmodum, iuxta Græcorum prouerbium, simia semper est simia, etiam si purpura uestiatur: Ita mulier semper mulier est, hoc est, stulta, quamcumque personam induxerit.

But, by the way, I hope that sex is not so foolish as to take offense at this, that I myself, being a woman, and Folly too, have attributed folly to them. For if they weigh it right, they needs must acknowledge that they owe it to folly that they are more fortunate than men.

Neque uero mulierum genus usque adeo stultum arbitror, ut eam ob rem mihi succenseant, quod illis et ipsa mulier, et STVLTITIA stultitiam attribuam. Etenim si rem recta reputent uia, hoc ipsum Stultitiæ debent acceptum ferre, quod sint uiris multis calculis fortunatiores.

As first their beauty, which, and that not without cause, they prefer before everything, since by its means they exercise a tyranny even upon tyrants themselves;

Primum formæ gratiam, quam illæ merito rebus omnibus anteponunt, cuiusque præsidio in tyrannos etiam ipsos tyrannidem exercent.

otherwise, whence proceeds that sour look, rough skin, bushy beard, and such other things as speak plain old age in a man, but from that disease of wisdom? Whereas women’s cheeks are ever plump and smooth, their voice small, their skin soft, as if they imitated a certain kind of perpetual youth.

Alioqui undenam horror ille formæ, hispida cutis, et barbæ sylua, plane senile quoddam in uiro, nisi a prudentiæ uitio, cum feminarum semper læues malæ, uox semper exilis, cutis mollicula, quasi perpetuam quamdam adolescentiam imitentur?

Again, what greater thing do they wish in their whole lives than that they may please the man?

Deinde quid aliud optant in hac uita, quam ut uiris quam maxime placeant?

For to what other purpose are all those dresses, washes, baths, slops, perfumes, and those several little tricks of setting their faces, painting their eyebrows, and smoothing their skins?

Nonne huc spectant tot cultus, tot fuci, tot balnea, tot compturæ, tot unguenta, tot odores, tot componendi, pingendi, fingendique uultus, oculos et cutem, artes?

And now tell me, what higher letters of recommendation have they to men than this folly?

Iam num alio nomine, uiris magis commendatæ sunt, quam stultitiæ?

For what is it they do not permit them to do?

Quid enim est quod illi mulieribus non permittunt? At quo tandem auctoramento, nisi uoluptatis?

And to what other purpose than that of pleasure? Wherein yet their folly is not the least thing that pleases; which so true it is, I think no one will deny, that does but consider with himself, what foolish discourse and odd gambols pass between a man and his woman, as often as he had a mind to be gamesome?

Delectant autem non alia re, quam stultitia. Id esse uerum non ibit inficias quisquis secum reputarit, quas uir cum muliere dicat ineptias, quas agat nugas, quoties foeminea uoluptate decreuerit uti.

And so I have shown you whence the first and chiefest delight of man’s life springs.

Habetis igitur primum et præcipuum uitæ oblectamentum, quo fonte proficiscatur.

XVIII

XVIII

But there are some, you’ll say, and those too none of the youngest, that have a greater kindness for the pot than the petticoat and place their chiefest pleasure in good fellowship.

Sed sunt nonnulli, cumprimis autem senes bibaces quidem illi magis quam mulierosi, qui summam uoluptatem in compotationibus constituunt.